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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 16, 2014 5:44pm-6:18pm PST

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did no one tell you? but folks, i'm not the only one stepping down from the national spotlight. so is minnesota congresswoman and wax figure of michele bachmann, michele bachmann. michele has decided not to seek a fifth term, opting instead to stay home and catch up on her blinking. but bachmann's not going quietly. last week, as she and her family posed for a picture at the white house holiday party, bachmann turned to president obama and said, "mr. president, you need to bomb the iranian nuclear facilities because, if you don't, iran will have a nuclear weapon on your watch." now some may say that's inappropriate for a holiday party, but bachmann says the same thing on all of her christmas cards.
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besides, holiday party or not, bachmann knows it's crucial to keep iran from getting a nuclear weapon. >> this is the ultimate in high-stakes bingo. >> stephen: and bingo, of course, the ultimate high-stakes game. just look how the stress ages the players. that girl is 17! and how did obama respond to her sage foreign policy advice? according to bachmann, the president "laughed at me and said, 'well, michele, it's just not that easy .'" (laughter) i'm not surprised he laughed. look at the president's reaction to two years ago when i told him he should listen to michele bachmann. (laughter) god speed. god speed, michele. i can't believe you kept up that crazy conservative character for eight years. of course, the big story
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continues to be the senate intelligence committee's torture report. folks, america is a beacon of freedom around the world. but thanks to this report, now brutal regimes are talking smack -- like this crap from china. "how long can the u.s. pretend to be a human rights champion?" oh, i'd say about as long as i can pretend i don't know who made my iphone. it's elves, right? these are troubling questions, and in troubled times, bill o'reilly reminds us to shut up and let him talk. >> there are some folks like me who believe we must use harsh measures to defeat the jihadists who would slaughter us all if they could. there are others who say we must obey the geneva convention, even though we are fighting an enemy that does not fall under that treaty. then there is the definition of torture. some believe that subjecting a captive to loud noise or verbal
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threats is torture. >> stephen: obviously, a debate that cannot be debated because minds will not be changed can be debated only by the most unchangeable mind. me, stephen colbert! this is formidable opponent. (cheers and applause) first of all, welcome, stephen. >> good to be back. >> stephen: stephen, i looked it up, and you and i debated torturing detainees in the very first month of this show more than nine years ago. >> nine years? wow, you haven't aged a bit. >> stephen: awww... you're a liar. >> i am. you look terrible. >> stephen: i know! 'cause i've been up for almost a week reading about how we kept prisoners up for almost a week. you look so well-rested. what's your secret? >> i'll show you. gimme that.
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(cheering) now you will sleep like a baby. >> stephen: no, i won't! some parts of that report are really disturbing! >> which parts? >> stephen: the words. chaining and beating, confinement in coffin-sized boxes, something called "rectal rehydration"? >> well, c'mon, man, no one likes a thirsty rectum. >> stephen: granted. i just don't like to think of america as a torture nation. >> we're not. we're the good guys. it's just that, after 9/11, our fear and anger temporarily changed us into a different guy. >> stephen: oh! like the incredible hulk? >> exactly. don't make us angry. you wouldn't like us when we're angry. but now we're back to being bruce banner, so we can't be held accountable for the hulk's harsh interrogation methods. >> stephen: or his tiny pants.
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yeah, and as usual, bill o'reilly put it most -- >> look, we're fighting a war. i have a book on world war ii, "killing patton," so i know what i'm talking about. bad things happen in war. the truth is mistakes were made, but they were made in the fog of war to protect americans. >> stephen: i'm going to miss that good man. >> he's not going off the air. you are. >> stephen: yeah, but no one's gonna pay me to watch him anymore. so (bleep) that noise. >> you have to admit bill's right. you can't judge what happens in the "fog of war." >> stephen: what fog? this wasn't low-level troops making split-second decisions in a free-fire zone. it was over seven years of lawyers at the highest levels of government writing legal briefs about simulated drowning... >> sorry, stephen. i can't hear what you're saying. it's too damn "fog of war" in here. >> stephen: you can't hear me
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because it's foggy? >> can't hear you! foggy! >> stephen: you're holding a (bleep) fog machine! >> oh, this? i didn't see that because of the "fog of fog." >> stephen: look, fog or no fog, we said we don't torture, and now the world thinks we're the bad guys. >> that's only because people know about it. think of it this way, everybody thinks you're a good person, right? >> stephen: i hope so. but what if someone found out what happened "that" summer up at mayflower lake? >> stephen: we agreed we would never talk about what happened at mayflower lake. >> exactly, because we're good people, and nothing happened, because it had to. >> stephen: right. mr. jenkins slipped and hit his head on that rock to protect the other kids. >> yes, the rock, which is consistent with blunt force trauma.
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>> stephen: and we agreed on that story and sealed it with the mayflower prep secret handshake. >> mayflower boys do not do murder... >> stephen: and will not discuss it further... >> pa-chang! (cheers and applause) point is -- america does not torture. but we "had" to. and we'll never do it again, unless it's to protect america. >> stephen: but the report says it didn't protect america. >> oh, i'm not talking about the actual country. i'm talking about the "idea" of america. the "idea" of america would never torture. >> stephen: and the actual america? >> have you read that report? we pumped hummus up people's butts. i'm no imam, but i'm pretty sure that's not halal. and that, my friend, is why i chose to live in the "idea" of america. >> stephen: ah-ha! but the idea of america is just an imaginary place.
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which means you, sir, are just an imaginary stephen colbert. >> and you, sir... (fading away) >> -- have been a formidable opponent! >> stephen: we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ twhat do i do?. you need to catch the 4:10 huh? the equipment tracking system will get you to the loading dock.
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falling behind you. sound of a tree [thump] did the sound bar make the sound?
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back.
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nation, i so dislike north korean leader kim jong-un that, let's just say, i'm not going to name my next child after the guy. and evidently neither is anyone else. >> there is only one kim jong-un in north korea. that's a law. by directive of the north korean regime, the name kim jong-un is off limits to any other citizens of the secretive and repressive state. birth certificates with the names kim jong-un are rejected and anyone who happens to share the supreme leader's name must change it. >> stephen: gotta do it. when the average north korean sees the headline "kim jong-un inspects local lube factory," you don't want them wondering, "is that kim jong-un, the farmer from down the road, or kim jong-un the dictator who killed that farmer for having the same name?" point is, you do not want to cross this guy. consider what's happening to sony pictures over their upcoming movie "the interview,"
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starring james franco and tonight's guest seth rogen. (cheering) they play tv journalists recruited by the c.i.a. to assassinate kim jong-un, i'm guessing by smoking a lot of pot at him. apparently, ol' sourpuss here doesn't have a great sense of humor when it comes to his own assassination. >> a huge hack attack rocking a major hollywood studio. when the trailer for "the interview" came out, north korea called the movie an act of war. now sony pictures, the studio behind the film, has been hacked. >> hackers have stolen five new movies and leaked them on to the internet. >> experts say sony will likely lose millions of dollars this holiday season from people viewing illegal downloads of those movies online rather than going to theaters. >> hackers working with north korea could be behind the attack. >> stephen: yes, someone hacked sony and illegally distributed movies on the internet. it has to be north korea. the only other person with that capability is a 12-year-old with
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bit torrent. (laughter) the hackers also leaked unreleased scripts, including the script for "mall cop: blart 2 " -- what?! that movie has a script?! great. they just ruined the entire plot -- large man falls down! eh, i'll still see it. the hackers even left a calling card -- "hacked by gop." which is also what mitch mcconnell yells every time he successfully works his microwave. (laughter) in this case, the g.o.p. actually stands for guardians of peace, and they're demanding that sony cancel release of "the interview." or as they posted online, "do carry out our demand if you want
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to escape us. and stop immediately showing the movie of terrorism. you, sony and f.b.i. cannot find us. we are perfect as much." yes. (cheers and applause) which is either a threat or dialogue from the blart 2 script. (laughter) folks, this worries me because, over the last nine years, i've said some terrible things that could make this guy "un"-happy. nation, i'm no fan of korean dictator and evil potato kim jong-un. this photo of kim jong-un -- it's hard to say where the mushrooms end and his haircut begins. dear leader kim jong-un has finally re-emerged in public after a courageous battle with stage 5 cheese ankle. (laughter) i stand by all that. and i just want to say to the hackers targeting innocent americans -- north korea is the
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greatest country on the face of the earth. and kim jong-un. oh, he's perfect as much. let shine his radiant glow upon all his children, from the frozen steppes of the north to the frozen mudflats of the south. all of america bows before the glorious kim jong-un. truly, he is as wise as he has chin. when we return, i'll interview the lie-pedaling filmmaker behind "the interview" -- decadent capitalist pig and enemy of the democratic people's republic, seth rogen. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) ♪ twhat do i do?. you need to catch the 4:10 huh? the equipment tracking system will get you to the loading dock. ♪ there should be a truck leaving now. i got it. now jump off the bridge. what? in 3...2...1... are you kidding me? go.
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i am rich. on the grounds of my estate, i hob nob with the glitterati and play equestrian sports. out on the veranda, we enjoy finger sandwiches and other assorted dainties. i wear nothing less than the finest designer footwear. wherever i go, the paparazzi capture my every move. yes, i am rich. that's why i drink the champagne of beers. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight made a movie that hasp set a madman with nuclear weapons. i'm not allowed to say bad things about mcdonald's. please welcome seth rogen! (cheers and applause) ♪ >> stephen: hey!
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mr. rogen, thank you so much for coming on. good to see you! >> thank you. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me, sir. >> stephen: what a pleasure to have you here. thank you for wearing a suit. you look like you're ready to go to court. >> i feel like i am. >> stephen: are you on trial? at least they legalized carrying weed. >> stephen: the weed is not the issue. >> no. >> stephen: it's going toe to toe with the north koreans in thermonuclear conflict. (laughter) >> okay. >> stephen: laugh it up. you've made some of the funniest movies i've ever seen. knocked up, super bad, pine upapple express, this is the end. the new film is called the interview, opens on christmas day. >> yes. >> stephen: okay. it upset the north koreans. >> it did. >> stephen: okay. did you think it would upset the
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north koreans? >> uh... >> stephen: did you picture them as a jolly regime? >> people are getting a kick out of that lube every time they see that picture. >> stephen: oh, they love it. that's his friend luby. >> exactly. we dihe did not simply love the concept of the movie, to be totally honest, but we wanted to make a movie that had one foot in reality that we as filmmakers like and seems interesting as audiencemembers as well. >> stephen: is it appropriate to make jokes about real things in the world? >> i personally think it is appropriate the make jokes about real things. we thought we could inject some slight relevance or -- >> stephen: for a second, i'm worried. i don't have poison on my hands. (laughter) i'm not an agent.
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did you think about changing the namet all, like calling it phil jong un? >> we did. and we thought, whose feelings are we trying to spare by doing that, kim jong-un? >> stephen: right. (laughter) >> and so... >> stephen: i'm blin behind you 100%. i think these guys can suck it. >> yeah, we were fascinated by what was happening in north korea. we read about it and -- >> stephen: how much research did you do on this? >> we read about it a lot. watched documentaries. read news articles. you don't know how much is based on fact because very little real information gets out of north korea. but we did as much as we humanly could. >> stephen: did you talk to dennis rodman? >> we didn't. we talked to the people who went to north korea with dennis rodman. >> stephen: uh-huh. we talked to people who met kim jong-un himself. >> stephen: because in the
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movie, he's like a fun guy to hang out with. >> one of the interesting things they said is when you're in the room with him, you're not always aware of where he is. it's like when you're in the room offwith the president of the united states, you're always aware where he is. you're having a drink, hear a laugh, and then kim jong-un would just be there -- what are you guys talking about? (laughter) which is what we put in the movie is he was kind of unassuming. we tried to make him, for lack of a better word, adorable. >> stephen: he is. he's adorable up to a point. >> up to a point, yes. and then we try to expose in a comedic way as possible, we try to get into what is actually horrible about north korea and explain what is bad about it. and it is really bad. >> stephen: a totalitarian regime highlighted by sick jokes. >> exactly. >> stephen: we have a clip.
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what are you seeing? i'm not seeing anything. >> dog! big dog! >> big dog? it's clifford size. like a dragon dog. this is like a dragon dog. >> what am i looking for? i don't know. t's like a big dog. it's boring -- got stripes. got big orange stripes, the dog. (growling) >> there's a tiger. a tiger! he led my friend into tiger patch? >> i toweled you there were tigers there. >> he's not very happy now. it's dark. he probably doesn't see you. (growling) >> it has night vision. the tiger has night vision goggles? (cheers and applause) >> you could see. >> stephen: right. you guys get into issues, clearly. >> clearly, tiger-related issues are big in north korea.
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>> stephen: you know you can't go to north korea now, right? >> i do know that, yes. i did not plan on it prior to this so it does not affect my travel plans immediately, but i'll never go. just for safety, i probably won't go to south korea. >> nice place. i have been there once, i loved it. kind of a bummer. i'm going to stay away from barbecue, just to be safe altogether. >> stephen: what else are you working on? because you wrote this, too, and co-directed it. what are you working on next? >> we have an animated movie that is -- it will be the first, like, r-rated fully c.g.i., like, pixar-style animated movie and it's called sausage party. (laughter) >> stephen: you're going to upset the germans now. >> i know. we really are. >> stephen: well, seth, thank you so much. >> thank you very much. >> stephen: seth rogen, "the interview" opens christmas day.
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>> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody! good night, mary! (cheers and ap captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh from comedy central's worldview's headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart! (cheers and applause) ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: weekum to "the daily show"! i'm jon stewart. my guest tonight, tim burton for his new movie, "big eyes".
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but first, this weekend we saw people all over the country come together to protest the unnecessary use of extreme force by our justice system. to state unequivocally even the most depraved violence is justified in the face of fear. no, where's my excusing -- there we go! yes, the directors of the c.i.a. turned informer approached the bench and argued the pro case rebutting the senate black site torture prison report. first, michael hayden. >> three out of the last four attorneys general have defined this as not being torture. so let's get the legal definition off the table. >> jon: three out of four! you're not even making it to sugarless gum approval percentages! (laughter) >> i did the math on the fractions there. coincidentally, those all happened to be presi g


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